The Dumb Place
by Omegathyst
Summary: After Michael forks up for the second time, Eleanor, Chidi, Tahani, and Jason end up in your typical torturous Bad Place full of lava monsters and flying bears. The problem? None of them seem to be bothered about it as much as the demons would like. Semi-trollfic one-shot.


"Good riddance to that Michael demon." A female demon with blue and purple hair spoke to her male blonde colleague as they walked on a bridge full of lava monsters torturing people below. "I say we put those losers in Sector 666-B7, does that work?"

"Absolutely~" The two demons began making out on the middle of the bridge, and on the other side of the bridge was the 'losers' that the female demon was talking about. Eleanor, Chidi, Tahani, and Jason looked at the two demons in disgust, unable to do anything besides look away because of the handcuffs that trapped their hands.

"Oh for the love of God, how long do we have to stand here?!" Eleanor snapped. She worked really hard on being a good person, and this is what she got as a result? The four of them regained their memories after the miserable failure of Michael's second attempt, and Eleanor was conflicted. During the second attempt of Michael's twisted game, Eleanor started to fall for Tahani, and now that they've regained their memories...

 _At least all of us are being sent to the same sector, I can try and talk to Tahani there and see if she feels the same._

After an exaggeratedly gross two-hour make-out session between the two demons, they threw the four into a really uncomfortable room in the train full of hay bales. Then, the room was filled with a grim silence as the train took off.

 _This is it, the last time I'll spend in safety, moments before our inevitable torture..._

"Could I get some jalapeno poppers dudes?" Jason called for the demons, but there was no response. "Dammit! I really miss Janet, and not just because I want some food..."

Grim silence, that is what his response was met with.

Tahani was laying down until she used her elbows to get off the floor and sit right side-up. She began to move and just when Eleanor thought that her crush was going to cozy up beside Chidi, she moved to Eleanor's side instead.

Eleanor was leaning against the wall when Tahani leaned against her shoulder.

"Y'know, while we're not being tortured, I'd like to say that I've dodged _two_ bullets now." Tahani whispered in amusement. Eleanor cracked a small smile, because not only was Tahani trying to make her feel better, but she was also implying that she was over both 'Jianyu' and Chidi.

The thought that _she_ could be the one for Tahani in this bleak time of darkness made her heart flutter. Eleanor turned to Tahani, who was welling up with tears.

"Hey...don't be afraid Tahani." Eleanor ran her fingers through her best girl friend's black hair. "Torture will not be pretty, but you'll have us there with you suffering every bit as much as you."

"But I don't want _you_ to suffer! If I could take away all your pain and put it on myself, I would!" Tahani exclaimed.

Eleanor's eyes widened when she realized that Tahani wasn't worrying about her own pain, but she was worried about _Eleanor's._

Eleanor lifted her head up to press her lips against Tahani's, her fear of daring to kiss her dissipated when Tahani started kissing her back.

Unfortunately the moment was ruined when the four of them were abruptly pulled out of the train and thrown into the sector where a flying four-headed bear was tearing apart a human with all four of it's mouths.

Tahani tensed up beside Eleanor as the demons took off their handcuffs and left them to fend for themselves.

"...I call the four-headed bear!" Jason leaped excitedly into the terrifying scene.

 _"Jason!"_ Eleanor gasped in shock. "Get out of there you dumbass!"

Jason ran forward and leaped onto the bear's neck. The grizzly growled in anger before it dropped the suffocating human in its mouth and flew into the air.

 _"Woo!_ This is fun guys!" Jason screamed as the grizzly flew angrily. "Who wants a turn next?"

 _Is Jason trying to make the best out of our situation? That may not be such a bad idea...maybe we can_ _make_ _this_ our _Good Place._

"I know I want to!" Eleanor fist pumped in the air before running towards the bear, which used one of it's jaws to rip her arm right off.

"Oh...ummmmm, o-ouch?" Eleanor pretended that what just happened was painless, but on the inside she was howling with pain. Eleanor took the detached arm and gestured it towards Tahani.

"Need a hand? Be careful when you get near me, I'm _armed."_ Eleanor joked at Tahani and Chidi, who looked at her in shock.

"Eleanor, what are you doing? You're hurt!" Tahani cried, running to Eleanor's side. Eleanor lifted her head up onto her best-friend-turned-lover's shoulder and whispered.

"Me and Jason decided to have fun while we're here for all of eternity." Eleanor told her. "We can make pain fun Tahani, you just have to accept fate. Your sister is here too I bet!"

It _was_ true, Tahani doubted that she would've been allowed into the Good Place anyway if she was genuine. That's how unfair and ridiculous the system really was. And the thought of her 'holier than thou' sister getting tortured did lift a evil smile upon her lips.

They not only should accept this as their eternity, but they should _embrace_ it.

"Eat me alive, ya drool-slobbering bear!" Tahani stretched her arms out as the bear devoured her whole. Jason sighed.

"If only I had a camera to record this sweet beast-eating-girl action." Jason pouted.

* * *

"Clementine, there is a problem with those four humans you dropped off in Sector 666-B7." A tall female redhead demon in a red suit growled at the demon with blue and purple hair.

"They're house-trained, I swear." Clementine joked in a deadpan voice, not even looking at her superior. The redhead grabbed Clementine by the hair and yanked her forward.

 _"We have a Code M."_ The redhead demon growled, causing Clementine to shrink back. She _knew_ that Code M meant that they were dealing with people that seemed to _enjoy_ the pain that was put upon them. The demons hadn't had to deal with a Code M situation for decades.

"Let's just put them in a nice and painless house where they suffer from a lack of pain like we did with the last bunch." Clementine suggested. That _always_ worked.

* * *

It did not work.

No, it _failed._ They moved Eleanor, Chidi, Tahani, and Jason to a simple and painless house that they _also_ enjoyed. The demons decided that they needed to suffer _more_ pain in order to break the four of them.

The demons tried everything: shark-infested water torture, head crushers, ropes pulling all of their limbs. They would scream sometimes, but it was always agony mixed with pleasure. And when the torture was finished, the four of them enjoyed telling each other what happened.

When Clementine saw the blonde one affectionately trail kisses on the tan woman's neck, she realized that she found out the key to breaking them: separating them into different sectors so they didn't have each other for support.

 _That has to work!_

* * *

It. Did. Not. Work.

Not only did it not work, the four taught other people in their Sectors how to enjoy pain as well. And Clementine felt like she was going to tear her hair out. And to top it all off, her superior Vixen said that she was going to be sent to eternal _retirement_ if she didn't figure out how to break the four of them by tomorrow, the same fate Michael had suffered.

She had to think of something...

* * *

"Clementine, did you figure out how to break the four of them?"

"...y'know what? _No!_ I didn't! I tried to dissect the tan woman in front of the blonde woman and she started _touching_ herself to it! Then I gave the man with glasses a bunch of puzzles to do or else he'd get electrocuted, _and_ _he_ _let himself get electrocuted!_ And WHY THE HELL IS THERE A JANET OVER THERE?!"

"Hi!" Janet waved next to her husband Jason, having showed up randomly.

"Oh my God, you're _fired! Go to retirement you incompetent bitch!"_ Vixen roared, kicking Clementine into a black hole. "If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself..."

Vixen walked in a confident stride, certain that she could break the four humans.

* * *

She couldn't.

In fact, nobody could. After five years of trying, the council of demons in charge of the Bad Place decided that the four of them were to be sent to the Good Place so they would get out of their hair.

Eleanor could hardly believe it, she was unbelievably happy. And the four of them plus Janet held hands as they stood in front of the Good Place gates.

"I'm going to miss the torture a little." Eleanor admitted, leaning against Tahani's shoulder. "But we have a lot to be proud of. After all, we outsmarted an entire race of demons!"

"We did indeed." Tahani kissed Eleanor's forehead. "Are we all ready?"

The rest of them nodded, and the gates to the Good Place opened, allowing the five to enter and enjoy their rewards for endurance for all of eternity.


End file.
